Thursday, March 31, 2011

Fat girl blogging

As I have had NO INTEREST in losing the rest of my baby weight, yet, I'm still indulging in a little fat girl eating for a while, as long as I do not gain any weight.  I think about losing the weight, and then I go to work, and then I head back home, and all I want to do is eat the comfort food.  It's one of the bad things about hospice - we all gain weight on the road.  No one can talk about or encounter death all day without eating a BIG slice of chocolate cake when you get home.  It's just not possible, I don't think.

Having said all that, I have found a most excellent blog:

She has all my favorite fat girl recipes and I'm loving this blog, even if she did rip off the title from Jeffrey Steingarten.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

"Ready to go"

My Grandfather is back in the hospital.  He has been sick on and off since Christmas.  I went to see him today, and during the conversation he looked at me and said:

"Kara, I'm ready to go." 
I said back, "I'll take you back to your room." 
He said, "No, I've got a plot between here and Jacksonville, and I'm ready to go."

He was talking about being okay with dying and with being tired of living, to me, his youngest (and most partial to) "grandbaby".  Part of me was glad to have the conversation, because it confirmed to me that he is a Christian and that he knows he is going to heaven.  And I'm sure he wanted to tell me because he knows I'm a hospice nurse, and because of that I'd listen.  Which I did.

But, of course in the midst of this I had to make a joke because it was just getting too serious.  At one point I looked at him and said, "Well, you'll be right by Dad and his parents, so I'll be by to see you often".  He did laugh at that.

On the way home, I realized that this wasn't true, now.  I haven't been to my dad's grave since the graveside service.  That was almost 10 months ago.  I mean to go, and sometimes I intend to.  And then I don't.  I get these grand plans of taking a picture of Daniel out there to the grave, or a can of his love-ed Grapette soda.  And then I don't.  Seeing his body at visitation made it real, made me realize it wasn't all a mistake.  But visiting his grave . . . that makes it real in another way I guess, in a way I'm not ready to deal with.   I miss my father every day - there's not day that goes by that I don't think about him.  I don't know why I can't go to his grave.  I know I will, one day.  I'll probably need my sister and step-mother with me for support.  I will go.

I'm not ready to go though.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Plum . . . rocks!

I SOOOO love these products.  I'd tried the baby food when I first started Dan on solids and was impressed.  I am even more impressed now because of this concept.

One of the hardest things about feeding Daniel is that he wants to investigate anything and everything on his highchair tray.  And it all goes in his mouth.  Or all over his hands.  Or in his hair.  Or on me for that matter.  There are spoons that you can load baby food into to make it more hands free and simple, but that's too hard.  I am about simple cleaning, simple putting together as sometimes I am so brain dead when I come home from work that I am doing good mixing his formula.

As Daniel is eating fruits again, he ate Pumpkin Banana tonight.  It was tart, you could taste the ascorbic acid the company used to preserve the color in the banana, but not bad.  Broccoli and Apple is another new favorite.  They have training meals too (like a stage 3 food in Gerber), and the Red Lentil is his favorite.  We are still avoiding beef and pork because of my husbands allergies, so a new protein source is good.  And the little dude LOVES lentils.  I love my little guy!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

-insert title here-

I can't believe that Dan is 9 months old . . . and Dad has been dead for 9 months.  I don't love that his birthday will always be marked by a much more solemn remembrance.  But, that's how it rolls in my family.  My Granny died on my cousin Sissy's birthday, just to name another instance of this.

It's been a freaking fast year.  So much has changed.  If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be a married baby momma by the time I was 30 I would have flipped you the bird and called you a stupid idiot.  Well, looks like I'm the stupid idiot.  Everything I've ever wanted I have.  I have a wonderful husband who fits me like God cast our molds together.  I have a wonderful sweet amazing son.  I have a rewarding job.  I have a wonderful family that loves me for me, even with my many warts.

God is so GOOD!  I don't deserve any of this, which is the beauty of how he works.  Thank you Lord!