Saturday, December 4, 2010

Eat Pray Love

I passed out about 9:00 last night.  My last thought before I woke up at 4:00 this morning was hearing the hubs say that he had cabin fever and was going to WalMart.  My first thought when I woke was "Clogged Nose!".  I am an Afrin addict and my buzz wears off around 4-5am.  I tumbled to the little girl's room down the hall to get my fix.  I keep a little DVD player in the bathroom for my longer baths in case I need music or to just chill out and watch Friends and watch Citizen Kane.  Apparently my hubs went to the Redbox at WalMart and picked up a copy of Eat Pray Love. - it was sitting on top of DVD player.

My love-ed step-mother got me and my sisters a copy of this book about 3 years ago.  I think it was around the time James Andrew and I started dating.  I read it and found a sense of peace, because at the time I felt like I was at the place that Liz comes to at the end of the novel.  I went through a series of events much like hers about 4 years before, not spurned by my own divorce, but by my parent's. 

My parent's divorce left me emotionally barren.  My mother left all of us to have a new and better family (or so she thought).  I was at the point that I was frequently locking myself in the bathroom to cry, at home and at work.  I was drinking to put myself out my my wakeful misery.  All this at 23.

Then I moved in with my Dad for a year.  I became a Christian.  My father met my stepmother, and I moved out before they got married.  I moved to a small gated apartment complex in Conway.  I joined a small house church.  And my journey began. 

I spent the next 2 years getting out very little other than to go to work or help care for my grandparents.  I spent this year watching the Food Network and cooking for myself.  And cooking and cooking and cooking for myself.  I think I gained about 50 pounds that year, but I had so much fun doing it.  I'd been a lifelong Weight Watchers member, always paying attention to the bottom line of my calories.  I drove me nuts.  I just quit watching the numbers and started enjoying mashed potatoes with sour cream, home-made pasta dishes, and many pot roasts among other dishes.

I also spent that year deep into learning about God and the Christain faith.  I have about 20 journals from that time, filled with my thoughts and everyday prayer, trying to see the face of God.  I'd never felt closer to God in my life.  I loved my church.  I remember a night when we prayed for hours.  I felt the presence of God so Great around us that I couldn't breathe. 

Then I met my future husband.  I'd never believed in love at first sight until then.  He was the second half of me.

So, reading this book felt like a victory!  Yea!  I'm there!  3 cheers for Kara!

Watching the movie this morning only too much reminded me how far I've slid back.  After my father died, I lost all the things I had gained.  I couldn't eat.  Couldn't sleep.  Couldn't pray because all I wanted to do was curse God.  Couldn't grasp my relationship with my husband because all I wanted in my life was my father. 

I've gotten some of these things back.  I've started cooking again.  I realized God can take my anger.  And the hubs has stood by the deep lows I've had.  My son is teaching me new levels of love.  I may never quite regain the victory I felt a few years ago.  It will be different when it comes back, maybe some bitterness in the sweet.  But I think it will come back.  At least, that's my daily prayer.

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